[It’s T.W.O, Talk With Ogefash Baby]
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Hi Ogefash, my husband cheated on me; should I divorce him?
You can watch the video on this discussion on our YouTube Channel
Ogefash’s replyA “Cheat” is someone that acts deceitfully or unfairly to gain an advantage. But, I am going to be narrowing down “Cheat” to “A cheating partner or an Unfaithful partner.” I am also going to be narrowing it down to “Cheating husbands.”
An “Unfaithful Partner,” according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is someone that is “not observing vows, allegiance, or duty, someone not faithful to marriage vows. It is someone that is disloyal. It means an unfaithful friend.
In layman’s language: A cheating partner is someone that is having an affair with someone other than the partner. An adulterous or unfaithful person. A person having an extramarital affair. It is someone that is having s-€-x and is emotionally attached to someone other than the partner.
When a partner cheats on you, it is quite painful. Marriage is beyond childbearing, is more of companionship. Companionship is very important. Shout out to my sisters’ husbands that are good companions to my sisters, especially my immediate elder sister’s husband, they are always available. Work, home, church, and help out with chores. That’s perfect companionship.
So, when your partner starts cheating on you, the companionship reduces, because he is now sharing the time and attention, and money with another woman. But he still comes home, but, the attention and the quality time he used to spend with you have been divided…
So, should you divorce him/her because he/she cheated on you?
No!!!Capital No!!!I am not talking to the “Boyfriend-Girlfriend people o. I am talking to those that are married and there is the issue of infidelity. Of course, if you are in a relationship with someone that you are planning to marry, and the person cheats on you, that’s a sign that he/she will cheat on you when you get married, especially if you catch the person twice. My dear, if you forgive a cheating partner once while dating, if it happens the second time, “si ebe puo” as in “hapu ebe ahu” as the Igbos in Nigeria would say. “Hapu befu” like Delta Igbos would say.
So, back to the question, as a married person, should you divorce him/her because he cheated on you?
No!!!Capital No!!!
I man not saying this because of the popular cliche “There are a few good men out there.” Or “There are more women than men.” Or “Men will always be men” Or “A man is wired to cheat [Like 2Baba believes] Or like the Yorubas in Nigeria would say “Oko won lode” which means “Men are scarce.”
I am saying this because women naturally have this “One woman-one man” nature. It is implanted in them. They are wired that way. Therefore, when they leave a man, they don’t easily move on to another. Some guys too don’t move on easily, but you know now, women as powerful seductresses, they would not leave some guys, especially if they find out that he is lonely and has been heartbroken before. They would want to capture the guy’s heart by all means.
But for you, for women, you don’t want any man to capture your heart again. You chase them away with curses. Oftentimes, women close off their hearts and push other men away. Then, they start generalizing it “All men are the same, they are all cheats.”
They do this year-in and year-out and before you know it they end up lonely and hating and cursing the husband that cheated on them.
And usually, when women divorce men for cheating on them, and they already have kids, they take the kids away. It is only in rare cases you would see a woman abandon their kids with their father. Now, you have taken your kids away but still, you are pained by your husband’s unfaithfulness.
Divorcing your husband and leaving the house based on infidelity doesn’t divorce the hurt, it worsens the pain. Because, after leaving the marriage, you would see one or two people ask about what happened. Because you are still angry, you would probably reply with insults and curses “Oh, he is an oloshi, oloriburuku somebody.” He is this and that. You hurl all sorts of insults at him when you hear his name. Before you know it, you start transferring aggression to your children.
You are just bringing more pain to yourself. You are hating yourself the more, becoming your demon or monster. The pains will be growing deep in you. You are now alone. You are living with so much pain that you now push all men away.
Meanwhile, your children want father-figure, but, you have chosen to lock your heart away, and would still not even give another man a chance. You don’t want to just jump into another relationship. You are being cautious with your heart. Some don’t even consider another relationship as an option. So, they stay lonely, hurting, killing themselves, constantly nagging, insulting, cursing, blah blah blah
See, if you are doing all these you are wrong, and you would keep hurting yourself the more.
So, what should you do then?
Stay, stay o, still stay. Don’t leave, please, as far as your husband is not beating you, as far as there is no case of domestic violence. Please, don’t leave your marriage. Don’t say he’s not making me happy, he cheated on me, and so on…
I need you to understand that marriage comes in stages, different stages. Strive to “live” not “leave” all those stages if there is no case of domestic violence. At some point, you move from soulmate to roommate, in fact, flatmate, and endeavor to live that stage. While living as a flatmate, if you try to work things out, you would end up coming back as a soulmate.
So, while living as a soulmate, a lot of things would happen. Trust me, a lot of things would be getting on your nerves. You know now how some of your co-tenants annoy you…So, like I said, a lot of things would unnerve you, but keep your cool. Your partner would observe that you guys are now living as flatmates because most definitely, the communication manner would change. But if the communication style changes, ensure you don’t stop cooking for your husband. However, if you are cooking for him, and he is not eating, don’t cook again. If “konji” comes, as in, you are aroused, drop pride, go to your husband, but use a condom. You never can tell, that lovemaking may be reuniting. Depending on how you “live” like a flatmate, things can get better or may worsen for you guys.
See, while living as a flatmate, it is either he changes or is crucified. So, leave him, and watch as he changes into good or falls into destruction. But, don’t wish him bad o. Don’t do things to make him jealous, or do things to make it look like you spite him. Don’t monitor him. Those that hurt women or men always have a terrible ending, there is no happily ever after for them, it is sorrow-ly ever after.
But while still living as a flatmate, try to find something that will distract you from the cheating crime your husband committed. Try to get healed in the process. Find something to do, someone to pour out love and pour your heart to other than your children. I know it’s not easy, but, you have to make it easy.
Just don’t divorce, divorce isn’t the answer. Especially if you are the one woman-one man kind of person like me, and like the song Adekunle sang, you would know divorce is not an option. Just stay there and build yourself. Get healed. If you can get healed in that house with him and he still doesn’t change. You can now separate. Honestly, the healing wouldn’t make you lock your heart away because he cheated on you. It would be easy for you to move on if you can get healed in that your husband’s house before leaving him.
If you are out there having marital issues, I pray God ends the crisis and puts a smile on your face soonest in Jesus name, amen. Try to watch more family films where “marriage” is highly treasured, not films where marriage is not treasured, or the marriage scatters for one meaningless argument or meaningless thing. I recommend this Ruth Kadiri’s “Premonition” film. If you have not watched the film, I enjoin you to watch it. It is a nice movie.